This Tortured Soul

Good Morning, here is a story that I came across that I decided would be good to share. At times, there can be a smile upon your face, perhaps an assumed skip amidst your walk, but behind your eyes a storm is rolling in. Is lightning a guide in the dark to be used as light to help direct your movements? Or is the blanket of darkness covering you from the fear of being exposed and struck down from the very thing we are supposed to see Beauty in, raw nature. The individual who submitted this asked to be kept anonymous, she believes that it would affect her as a professional and a person. She feel’s that people around her as a work colleague, mother and friend, would see her in a way that would be pathetic. In her anonymity, she has a voice, she will express, and finally feels a way to be heard.

 

I wake up in the morning, my hand upon my forehead and my eyes closed, the same thought rushing through ” how can I get through another single day…”, sadly, it has transitioned from day to day to minute to minute. Pulling myself up from my double pillowtop mattress, throwing aside my lush duvet covering and centering my downfilled pillows, I begin to drift towards my beautiful ceramic and granite countertop kitchen. I am explaining all of these little luxuries because  I purchased all of them when I was in a place that was so empty and desolate, thinking that perhaps these small pampering would cause me to feel accomplished. Perhaps even contentment that I had the liberty to buy these comfortable treasures. During my day I will drink my coffee, see my coworkers, solve my daily technical problems. I will bond with my Yoga Mat for an hour at lunch time and my treadmill for an hour after work. I then pray and mediate and journal for an hour after work, eat quietly, and usually speak to either one or both of my children.

I have two grown successful daughters, both married and having had children of their own, are very happy and well on their way to a lifetime of Beauty. Although I never had to, and I accept the Greater Good’s Grace for this, I would have starved, gone without new clothing or having a bed for my entire Life to make sure that they had the chance to thrive. They are brilliant and beautiful, best friends, and the funniest of enemies, and have miraculously been kept from this curse that has always continued to be a thorn in my side.

Intimate relationships with their fantasies, they changed after my  fourth husband became my fourth ex husband. I haven’t cursed myself for my choice in men, he was a good man, I haven’t blamed him for any sexual transgressions, there were none, but I had pushed him away as hard as I could. So hard to the point where I told him he was the worst possible encounter that I ever decided to fall into. I knew it would crush him and cause him to hate me, which at this point of time, gave me the greatest Peace. I was doing my best to ensure that I would only have time alone, an empty space for an empty person. I wouldn’t have to pretend to enjoy conversation, to think something is funny, to pretend to focus on a movie, enjoy a meal. All the little things in Life that I would have most definitely looked over, if I had never come to the place where I wanted to look over them. I don’t think that there is a way for a person who just ‘gets down’ can understand the depths of depression and where it can bring the Soul. This isn’t to demean a person’s unhappiness, but more of a desperate plea from a woman who has everything but feels nothing. To understand, that this roaring plague of personal and intimate disruption is so uncertain and socially disengaging, thats it is an Entity, and it won’t leave you alone until you either give in to its call, or become a walking miracle. For me, I want to leave this parasitic conglomeration of energy, this living organism full of hypocrites and the ill intended. This statement sounds quite negative and self-deprecating I’m sure, but I am wide awake, aware of my strengths and weaknesses, but until recently, smiled to smile, laughed to laugh, chatted to chat- about nothing that could enhance personal or social transformation at all. Many of us feel this way, my wording my be different, perhaps too colorful, even oversimplifying, but the way I express myself, and the way it comes across, is the only way I know how and want to be. In the amount that I feel deprived of self-love, there is a depth of love that I will always have for my family. I was told that I would need to give things time, and so many different medications. I’m 47, my time is running thin, but my message is everlasting. If you can’t love yourself, love another, there is something in them that will reflect through your adoration. If you can’t give Grace to yourself, bestow it upon other’s, Grace is never taken its given, and it will be given back to you so that you can be more gentle upon yourself. Your impulse is your impoundment, during your Journey there will be highs and lows, even spaces that may need time for a bridge to be built. Always rebuild, take your time, collect your precious tools, and wait for the day that you will be able to cross and continue on to your next stop on the way.

 

L.

 

 

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